That's Coldplay.
God put a smile upon your face.
Not on your face, upon your face.
upon yeah this is adam and joe upon your face he knows how to talk proper like chris martin yes he does upon he does and we'll be here for the next uh one hour 50 minutes thanks very much for joining us we'll be playing nothing but dancehall ragga and lovers rock for the next two hours absolutely what is lovers rock lovers rock is it's like soft reggae very soft reggae yeah
Thanks.
Um, like, what's he called?
You know?
No, that's fine.
Night nurse.
Who was that?
Gregory Isaacs.
There we go.
There you go.
Uh, how are you feeling, Joe Cornish?
I'm feeling very well, thank you.
Are you really?
Yeah.
Well, I drove to- we went to a party last night and I drove, you see, so I didn't really drink.
Yeah, I feel a little bit rough.
I've felt rough three weeks in a row and I've- it's not something I would normally do is go out drinking on a Friday before work.
This is our usual name-dropping celebrity party segment of the show.
We didn't do too much name-dropping last week, but man, we're gonna drop a lot of names.
Let's make up for it today.
We went to Matt Lucas's 30th birthday party last night, Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame.
He had his 30th birthday party on the Mall, in the ICA.
The Nash Rooms.
Beautiful location.
It was a fancy dress party, and the theme was British icons.
Or just Britain, wasn't it?
Oh, it was British Icons, Alan Buxton.
Was it really?
Yeah, but that could be broadened to just Britain.
And everyone had made a real effort.
I've never seen such a high standard of costumes at a fancy dress party before.
I think there were only about four or five people that I saw there who hadn't bothered.
Boyd Hilton, Heat Magazine.
Boyd Hilton was wearing a pin badge with a Union Jack on it.
That is the level of contempt.
He was supposed to be a yob, actually.
But there were some amazing costumes.
The Elephant Man was there.
I didn't see the Elephant Man.
Is he called Stephen Merrick?
Or Alan Merrick?
John Merrick.
Or Ian Merrick.
John Merrick.
John Merrick.
Yeah, he was there.
And, um, what was your favourite?
My favourite costume?
Well, I really like Peter Serafinovits, who some people might know from, you know, that popular ITV sitcom, Hardware, A Voice of Darth Maul, etc, etc.
He was dressed... At first, I thought he was Alan Davis.
Because he just had a sort of brown afro and a holy jumper.
Then I thought maybe he was Fred West.
But he turned out to be from The Good Life, you know.
Richard Bryars.
Richard Bryars, yeah.
He and his girlfriend, Sarah Alexander, from Coupling... Where's our name drop sound effect gone?
Well, it was rubbish.
Come on, we don't need the name drop sound effect.
Maybe I could do, like, um, something improvised with this can.
Well, the answer is you can't.
Okay.
I won't bother.
But yeah, Tom and Barbara, um, they came as from The Good Life.
I thought that was good.
My favourite was Paul Putner.
Uh, Paul Putner is someone who turns up in Little Britain a lot.
He's kind of the other guy in Little Britain.
Yeah.
He's a very funny guy.
And, um, he came as just a map of the UK.
That's a good idea, wasn't it?
And it was a brilliantly cut out big sort of green polystyrene kind of thing.
So his body was in sort of tight black stockings, like a mime.
And then he just had this cut out of Britain, cut out of green foam.
That's right.
The size of his body.
two-dimensional though and his head was just poking through somewhere in mid Scotland yeah and then on his right hand he had Ireland right and and his face was all he painted it all green green and it couldn't have been comfortable well it was one of those costumes you get that
And you know that he would have been regretting it, like, within four minutes, because he's stuck there as Britain for the rest of the night.
And you came as...?
I, well, me and my girlfriend came as one man and his dog, so my girlfriend was a farmer and I was a dog.
Except you, the only dogs you could find were Dalmatians.
Well, I was dressed in a giant Dalmatian suit.
Everyone thought you were a cow.
Yeah.
That's alright.
You know, I regard it as a success if I don't get chucked out.
Yeah.
No, man, you look good, and Annabelle looked fantastic with a nice moustache.
Yeah, it was nice to kiss a woman with a moustache.
Oh, and big sidey.
It was strangely sexy.
And big sidey.
Maybe I should just go out with a big biker man.
Yeah.
And, um, I came as a TV detector man.
Yeah, that was good, man.
I thought it was very good.
I don't know if it's British or not, but it's all I could do at short notice.
Hey, we should mention the big celebrity names that were there.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, who was the biggest?
Well, probably Robbie Williams.
Yeah, he was there.
And did you chat with Williams?
No.
No.
What would you have said to Williams?
I don't know, hi, I don't really like your public persona, I don't really enjoy your music, but I wanted to shake your hand so I could tell people I had.
That would have been my best gambit to Williams.
Poor Williams, living in a world where that's what people are thinking.
And who was top celebrity number two, would you say?
I'd say Pet Shop Boys would come in at number two.
I didn't even know they were there!
Yes, they were there.
Silly Sausage.
I've been a silly sausage.
It's a new Pet Shop Boys song I'm working on.
Silly Sausage.
Silly Sausage.
I've been a silly sausage.
I wish we could play that now.
I've been a silly sausage.
Such a silly sausage.
That could be a Pet Shop Boys album, couldn't it?
Silly Sausage!
I wish I'd gone up to Neil Tennant and just said, SILLY SAUSAGE.
I wish he'd phone in, I wish he... he doesn't listen this shit.
I interviewed him, well I told you this, when we did Glastonbury, and I interviewed him with Theakston, and he just looked straight through me at Theakston.
We're not famous enough to even appear on his radar.
Well, especially if you went up to him and sang Silly Sausage.
I haven't done that yet.
I know, but he can tell.
SILLY SAUSAGE.
I've been a silly sausage.
Frantz Ferdinand, they're so hot right now.
Frantz Ferdinand, they're so hot.
The Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show wants to make the best football song ever, and he needs your help.
Okay, so, as you may well already know, The Breakfast Show is making a song for Europe, the ultimate footy song.
They're down to the final five.
There was an extraordinary judging session from Sound in Leicester Square, I hear, that was superior to the programme Pop Idol, which is an extraordinary achievement.
Now they're down to the final five.
And you guys have to go onto the web and listen to the final five football songs, www.xfm.co.uk.
Uh, the winner's gonna be announced on Tuesday morning, it's very exciting, uh, but it's imperative that all listeners to our show, uh, listen to those five songs and vote for their favourite.
Isn't that right, Adam?
Yes, there's been an incredible response over- did you say this already, over a-
16 million.
16 million.
No, less than 16 million.
Less than six- five, more than five, less than 16 million people have entered this competition.
150 entries, Adam.
Would you say the general standard is high, Brian, our producer?
Yeah, but you know what, it's probably higher than our rock and rap.
Frankly, this whole thing's putting our show to shame.
Yeah, Christian O'Connell, he's got a slightly higher standard of entry from his listeners.
Uh, we will be putting our rock and rap section to bed this week.
Yeah.
Hey, let's stick to- let's stay on message.
Okay, sorry, is there more to say football-wise?
No, apart from go and listen to them and vote for your favourite.
Yeah, and don't forget you can of course find our rock and raps, uh, as well on the website.
Not anymore, you're taking them off!
Just, you know, fade out this, uh, music bed, cause frankly it's frightening me.
Yeah.
It reminds me of sport.
Balls.
And sport and kicking and goals.
I don't like them.
Okay, listen, uh, man, you've got to- Well, we did- Brian's looking depressed.
He's looking all depressed.
We did it alright, didn't we?
We talked about the balls and the sport.
I thought we did a very good job of, uh, promoting XFM's, uh-
Song for Europe.
It's brilliant.
Hey, more excitingly though, we're going to be dropping some more names in just a second.
Also, Joe, read out that email from the Sports Illustrated girls.
Oh, yes.
Phil, Adam.
Oh, Phil, it's a bloke.
No, no, no.
Phil, the dead space wallop.
I thought you meant Phil was the girl from Sports Illustrated.
We've got this email, okay?
You can email us, adamandjoeatxfm.co.uk, or you can text us on 83936, but we've already had an email, we've already had many emails, but this is from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit girls.
They say, morning Adam and Jo, there will be a special delivery for you arriving shortly from the girls at Sports Illustrated.
Hope you like!
Let us know when you receive it.
We're working hard on Saturday, organizing the party for the launch of the swimsuit issue next week.
Oh, that's depressing, isn't it?
We thought maybe- We thought this was that they were gonna turn up.
Yeah.
And it says, love from Becky, Emma, and Naomi, aka the Sports Illustrated girls.
P.S.
You rock!
So that sounds like a sitcom one.
We assumed chicks in bikinis were gonna turn up, but now Brian, our producer, just dumped a plastic bag.
What's in it, man?
I dunno, it says Nokia on the front, and I've got it.
So if there's a mobile phone, it's mine.
Oh, this is exciting.
Play a record while we open the package.
Okay, we'll tell you what's in our Sports Illustrated package after this.
Oh, this is amazing!
That's nice, man.
You're making it sound better.
There you go.
I don't like it when DJs do that kind of thing, actually.
over stuff in an annoying way.
Especially if you're a fan of news.
It's the kind of thing that, uh, Jono would do with his friend.
Exactly.
Have you seen their advert on telly?
Yeah!
Why can't we get an advert?
Jono and Harriet on a rival radio station, Hart FM, have got an advert on TV, listener, that is, sets out to portray them as wacky
And, uh, what is it, what's the final catch line?
Well, it ends, it's all sort of jokey, like, oh, he's the funniest guy in the world because of his crazy jokes and their rubbish jokes.
But they put themselves in a tricky position, because when you say that, and then it stays on them, and he has to demonstrate it, right?
Yeah.
Oh, I think Jono's the funniest guy I've ever met.
And then, Jono... I think it's ironic.
Yeah, but you see, that's a bit of a get-up, isn't it?
Well, at that stage it's ironic, but the bit that isn't ironic is at the end when they go, we just love music.
And stuff.
And stuff.
And stuff.
And weather.
That's what it says.
John Owen Harriot.
They love weather.
Music, uh, music, crazy chat, weather and stuff.
Well, uh, yeah.
That's what they've got.
We need weather.
Why can't we have an advert?
We should just make up weather.
So, if you're, if you've, uh, if you're waiting for the, to find out what the contents of the Sports Illustrated promotional bag are, and I bet a lot of you are... I should say, just before you say that, that was Muse, incidentally, and, uh, feeling good.
I believe we've fallen hook, line, and sinker for Sports Illustrated's plugging scheme.
They sent us the email, we've read it out, thereby promoting them.
We expected topless women.
We've got a magazine.
A DVD... Can I see the mag?
No, you can't see the mag, I'm keeping it.
No!
Please, I just wanna see- I've never seen Sports Illustrated.
It's got amazing women in it.
Do they actually have their, um, conkers out?
Or are they covered?
What's the point of Sports Illustrated?
I don't understand it.
Well, you know, it's just an illustration of sport.
You're driving me mental!
Show me ladies!
Are they covered or what?
Yeah, they've got very skimpy bikinis on.
They're terribly... nice looking.
They- it just looks like a ad for- you know, a magazine full of adverts.
And then I- I stress to I have also got the Sports Illustrated swimsuit DVD.
It's a shame that there's only one copy and I opened it and get to keep it.
And then in a slightly patronizing way, there's a Swizzlers variety bag of lollies.
That's because we're Adam and Jo and we're like stupid children, yeah?
I think there's... isn't there some sort of comparison to be drawn between women that you'll never touch and sweets?
You know what I mean?
Just... indulgences that... I don't know.
Is there something going on there?
Well, basically they're saying we're children, infants.
Yeah, infants.
And here's pictures of women and some sweets and go away and... Are you gonna go to the party?
Uh, yeah, we've also got tickets to the Sports Illustrated Party.
It says, come and party with supermodel Marissa Miller.
Who's- who is she?
Now, in America, the word party...
means- has a different connotation, doesn't it, in England?
You mean like, sort of, uh, uh, uh, when Justin Timberlake says, I want to rock you.
Yeah, exactly.
I want to party with you.
Or if you say, last night I partied with supermodel Marissa Miller.
Right.
Is that what it means?
Yeah.
Yeah.
More than that, Adam.
Yeah.
Fondled.
You fondled.
You did many things, so many things, that it was just like a party.
There was mess everywhere, people were unconscious by the end, but there was only two of you.
Yeah.
So that's what Take That and Party was all about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I'm not sure it's going to be that kind of party.
It's liable to be 600 middle-aged journalists and one woman surrounded by security guards.
And some depressed, confused 18-year-olds wearing Sports Illustrated t-shirts.
Yeah.
And us.
And us.
Looking not out of place.
Yeah.
So I'm not sure we'll be going.
Unless the Sports Illustrated women contact us and tell us that we can have special access to Conker viewing.
Let's not pull any punches.
Coming up in the show, we have a celebrity regression for you.
Joe Cornish is going to regress me, Adam Buxton, into a former state as an actor, living out some of the roles that I portrayed in the movies.
If you can guess which actor I will be regressed into and the movies, then you will win a big prize.
Man, it's the Roswell DVD box set.
And, uh, and if you don't like that, then there's something wrong with your head, and we'll find you something else.
But that's coming up very shortly.
Also, I think we should do some more name-dropping.
I don't feel we've dropped enough names.
Yeah, there's more to say about the Part A. So stick with us on XFM.
That's a cover of Les Lady Les by Magnet featuring Gemma Hayes.
Is that correct?
Yeah.
Thanks for letting us know that.
Yeah, I'm on top of it.
So, we're talking about the party we went to last night in an unashamedly name-dropping manner.
We went to Matt Lucas' 30th birthday party.
It was a costume party.
The theme was British icons.
And I left about 1am.
Yeah.
And as I left, I passed Adam on the stairs.
dressed as a TV detector man, that was his costume, and he was talking to a lady dressed as a wren.
Steve Yes, like- Ricky Right, a female flight officer.
Steve That's right, from the- Ricky During the war.
Steve During the war.
Ricky And I- this lady turned to me and said something like, hello, I'm chatting up your friend.
I said, oh, that's nice, yeah, he could do with a bit of chatting up.
And, uh, bye.
I just thought it was a random woman.
Who did it turn out to be, but
Sporty spice aka Melanie see Melanie see and I didn't recognize her at all You know what?
I didn't recognize her instantly either because she'd done quite a good costume job and it really suited her being around Yeah, yeah, so quite saucy.
Yeah, and She came up to me.
She's very diminutive Even smaller than I am I think yeah, surely not.
Yeah, she's like a freak extraordinary
I know.
So, uh, you know, she came up and she said, uh, she said, hello.
And she said, I always fancied you.
And, uh, and then proceeded to be nice about, um, the Adam and Jo show and stuff like that.
And I wasn't sure who she was.
So, you know, I was just sort of smiling in a patronizing way and saying, thanks very much.
Uh, and I said, what's your name?
And she looked at me like, and she went, what's your name?
One of the most famous women in the world.
And she goes, it's, and she goes, right, it's Melanie C. Like, eh.
But then, to her credit, she said afterwards, sorry, I said that in a really horrible way, didn't I?
I mean, you don't automatically have to know who I am.
Oh.
Um, but, uh, of course I did know who she was once she said that.
All the bits fell into place.
And, uh, then I sort of started thinking, wow, you, you were in the Spice Girls.
They were very famous, weren't they?
Uh, and that's what I said.
You just said that.
She was really impressed by that.
No, I didn't say that.
I played it fairly cool.
And, uh, but I had a very, very nice conversation with her.
She turned out to be really exceptionally nice and, uh, well adjusted and, and not kind of the nut bucket that I expected she might be from, uh, seeing pictures of her in heat, like being, I don't know, just, they always get horrible pictures of her.
And, uh, yeah.
So how did you end it?
How did I end it?
Well, I tell you what, it was, no, it was ended by just a load of people coming up and grabbing her, do you know what I mean?
I didn't have very long, just some random guy sort of steamed in and went, oh yeah, how you doing?
Yeah, I just wanted to say this and that and that and that.
To you?
No, to her.
Oh.
And then I was sidelined.
I was out of the picture.
But then she came and she said goodbye briefly at the end, so it was all very nice.
Wow.
I do, I hope I bump into Melanie C again.
Wow.
And, um... Have you got any of her records?
Well, I've got, obviously, her Spice Girls records.
Actually, do I?
Haven't got any of her solo work.
No, do you know what?
I don't have any of her work.
Not even Spice Girls.
Um, but for what it's worth, she was my second favourite after Scary.
Wow.
Uh, and that's absolutely true.
That's from the heart.
Wow, how lovely for her.
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
Okay, after this, we've got Celebrity Regression Therapy coming up.
This is an easy one this week.
I think it was too hard last week.
John C. Reilly it was.
And you can win a box set of Roswell.
Well, it would be amazing if it was a box set of Roxette.
A Roxette box set?
Yeah.
I wonder if there is such a thing.
Anyway, stay tuned.
It's Celebrity Regression coming up after this classic number from the Pixies.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time for Celebrity Regression.
Uh, but before we do Celebrity Regression, uh, Regression, I'd like to apologize to these Sports Illustrated ladies.
We love the DVD and the magazine, and you're not gonna get them back.
And your magazine's wonderful, and you're wonderful.
Okay, Adam, are you there?
I'm here.
I'm now going to regress Adam into a previous life.
where he was a famous film star it's your job to guess the name of the film star whose personality he is regressing into and also identify the films that he is experiencing in his hypnotized regressed state the telephone number is 08 700 800 1234 okay adam yeah just take a deep breath let it out
And relax.
Close your eyes.
And drift back.
Just drift back.
Empty your mind.
Imagine a desert island.
Blue skies.
And blue fish.
Now clear your mind.
You're five years old.
You're one year old.
You are in a previous life.
And open your eyes, what can you see?
I'm on a beach.
A beach.
There's no one here.
It's a deserted beach.
I'm all alone on this beach.
No tourists, no hippies, no ravers, no Leonardo DiCaprio, no Bette Midler.
It's a nice beach.
Sand, palm trees, that kind of thing, but there's something weird about it.
It's a freaky beach.
It has a dream-like quality about it, and I can quite exactly put my finger on it, in fact.
It seems freaky, because above me there's a night sky with a ridiculous amount of stars in it, but the beach itself and the sea appear to be lit by an unseen sun.
Unseen sun.
Wasn't he in the last samurai?
Sorry.
Ah yes, this is a freaky CG beach I'm on.
In fact, it may not be a beach at all.
It may just be a beach in my brain.
A brain beach.
Oh my god, that's blowing my mind!
I'm on a brain beach!
Okay, breathe.
Just breathe.
Remember the number is 087008001234.
If you know who Adam is regressing into, you can win a copy of the Roswell Special Edition box set.
And I'm going to take you further back.
Further back.
into a previous incarnation of this Hollywood star's life.
And I want you to open your eyes and tell us what you see.
I'm in a forest.
It's lovely here, beautifully photographed by Dante Spinotti.
It's the backwoods of North Carolina, as opposed to the northwoods of back Carolina.
And I'm depressed.
Depressed and frightened, like a depressed, frightened rabbit or a pigeon, because my mother's dead.
And now I'm all alone in the woods, like a frightened, depressed gerbil.
And now people have come to take me away.
Man-people.
I hate men-people, but I love M-people.
Search for the Hero Inside Yourself, particularly, was inspirational.
In fact, it would have been a good song to have on this film.
Which, incidentally, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get an Oscar for, because I'm really acting my tits off in this one.
I'm a frightened gerbil, an angry cat, a dirty badger, a poo-poo pee-pee.
And relax.
Breathe, Adam, breathe.
I'm taking you out of that life.
It's dangerous for you to remain in that life for too long.
Stop the pee-pee.
Sorry.
And I'm going to regress you back even further now.
One final stage.
Remember 087008001234.
If you know who Adam is being.
And the final regression stage.
Open your eyes.
Tell us what you can see.
I'm in a field, a bleak field, doing some random bleak fieldwork.
Not scientific fieldwork, obviously, but, you know, work in a field.
Hang on, what's the commotion?
It's the menfolk coming back from some random war.
They look quite depressed.
I know how they feel.
It can't be fun coming back from war to this weird, depressing, boring old town and all the dikey women doing their random fieldwork.
Hang on, who's that man?
Wait, I know that man.
Or do I?
Yes, yes, I do, of course I do.
Or do I?
Yes, yes, I definitely do.
Or do I?
Yes, yes, he's the man I know.
Or is he?
Yes, he is.
Or is he?
Oh, for goodness sake, this is annoying.
And there's another two hours of this rubbish with a crap ending as well.
Or is there?
Yes, there is.
Or is there?
Or is there?
Okay, Adam, just relax.
Relax now, breathe deeply.
Drift away from that life.
Adam is going to remain in his trance state now, listeners, until one of you calls 087008001234 and guesses who he is and what films he was experiencing in his regressed state. 087008001234!
Snow Patrol.
With Run.
Uh, Adam is regressed, still.
Can you hear me, Adam?
Yes.
Uh, Adam has been regressed into the life of a famous Hollywood celebrity.
He is still in his regressed state.
Uh, thousands of you have called in, attempting to guess who Adam is in order to win the Roswell box set.
We have Gary on the line.
Hello, Gary.
Hello, how are you?
Very well.
Um, where are you calling from, Gary?
Epsom.
What colour pants have you got on?
Nice.
Okay.
It's disturbed.
Disturbing, Adam.
Okay, Gary, what I'd like you to do, first of all, is when I tell you to, just say the name of the person you think Adam was regressed into.
If you're correct, Adam will come out of his regressed state.
If you're wrong, you could do long-term damage to his synapses.
Okay.
Okay, Gary.
Adam, just breathe.
Can you still hear me?
Yes.
And Gary, say the name now!
Jodie Foster.
Ah!
Jodie Foster!
Yes, you're correct, Gary.
Gary, you're so right.
Um, Gary, take us through your logic process there.
What films did you think you recognised?
Um, well, the first one, The Beach and the Mind, was Contact, when she's in the alien universe.
Brain Beach.
Brain Beach with Contact.
Very nice references to, uh, the, uh, beaches.
Yes, thank you.
And The Beach, as well, there.
During that regression.
What was the second film, Gary?
Right, the second one was Nell, when she's the wild woman.
Yes, have you seen Nell, Gary?
Yes.
It's an extraordinarily powerful film, isn't it?
It is, yes.
A new type of power, that no other film possesses.
Can you speak a little gerbil language, like in Nell?
Er, I'll try.
Erm, you believe that?
That was good.
Yeah, what does that mean?
Erm, it means I'm mad.
Yeah, well, that's the one thing she never said, isn't it?
What about, what was the third film, Gary?
I think it was Somersby.
Correct.
What a film that is.
Congratulations Gary, and for that you get the Roswell Clickters edition.
Does that mean anything to you?
It does actually.
Six discs.
Wow.
Well done.
Thanks for calling.
That was brilliant.
Well done, Gary.
That was amazing.
Amazing deduction.
Got all the films.
That was quite... I mean, it was quite an easy one, but sort of semi-tough films, I thought.
Mmm.
Uh, got Somersby.
That's right.
It's such a weird film.
Husband Richard Gere comes back.
Is he or isn't he her husband?
Remake, of course, of Martin Gere.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, remake of a proper good film.
There you go.
Contact, which is one of my actual favourite films.
It's a fantastic demo disc for your surround sound system.
Yeah, that's a demented film, which I've got a real soft spot for.
And Nell, of course, which everyone should see at some stage in their lives.
You're listening to Adam and Joe on XFM.
Scissor Scissors with Take Your Mama.
Now, Adam, how much do you know about the XFM's exciting Carling Live promotion?
Not as much as I'd like to know.
Well, let me tell you a little bit more.
London is the world capital of rock and roll.
Is it?
Yeah!
And that's why Carling are bringing you Carling Live 24, a complete day and night of adrenaline-fuelled music, with live sets over 24 hours from the hottest bands around.
Like who?
Uh, Franz Ferdinand have just finished their gig at Carling Islington Academy and Star Sailor are gonna be at the Bush Hall in Shepherd's Bush and we're gonna hear from them live later.
In fact, we're gonna be talking to Alex, uh, live.
XFM's Alex Zane?
Alex Zane, yeah.
Wow.
He's a good looking man.
he's a good looking fella and intelligent to boot and we will be speaking to him live in about half an hour it's exciting stuff also coming up later in the show we're gonna be putting our rock and rap section to bed by playing you scallywags first ever proper song what he actually sings well I think that's really stretching it but it lasts for you know it's got verses and choruses and stuff Christmas
And it's a bit like... it sounds like the streets.
Right.
Oh, are we playing that new streets one this week?
I can't... I don't... I can't get my head round the streets.
She's fit, but my gosh, don't she know it.
Why, what's your problem with the streets?
Well, it's just not proper- it's not actual music, is it?
Well, you wait till you hear Scallywag.
You're gonna be begging for the streets.
And, uh, we've got Ditties in the Dock coming up as well.
Coming up early this week.
Ditties in the Dock is coming up early because- It's all scrambled because of Zayn.
Because of a live link-up with Zayn.
Exactly.
Uh, now listen, have you, have you seen on telly, right, the advert for, uh, the Kellogg's Crunchy Nut and Special K?
How does it go?
Well, it's basically telling you that if you eat nothing but Kellogg's Crunchy Nut or Special K for two weeks, for breakfast and for... Oh, you'll lose weight.
...lunch or dinner.
You're guaranteed to lose weight.
Yeah, like the two week challenge.
Drop a dress size in two weeks, exactly.
A dress size?
Yeah.
I assume it's aimed at ladies and Eddie Izzard.
And it features underneath it a track by Annie Lennox, which is a cover of an old song from the 40s or something called, keep young and beautiful, it's your duty to be beautiful.
So Annie Lennox covered it in a very kind of, um, uh, post-feminist way, or maybe just feminist way, really, because she was lampooning, I think, uh, the sentiment behind the song.
Which is, it's not your duty to be beautiful, you know what I mean?
Just, uh, be who you are, especially if you're a woman.
Don't be cowed by the evil forces of body fascism.
Being a beauty ain't your duty.
Exactly.
Have a big booty.
If you want to.
Did you just make that up?
Yeah.
Being a beauty ain't your duty.
Yeah, have a big booty, if you want to.
Yeah, that's brilliant, man.
Thanks.
You could be a feminist.
Well, didn't that from Schaaf, there's a remake of Schaaf, protecting your booty is my duty.
Oh, yeah.
Something like that.
Keep going, Lennox.
Well, anyway, so it just, because I'm pretty sure I'm right about that.
I'm pretty sure Lennox, you know, she's a feisty feminist lady.
I'm pretty sure that's why she recorded that.
So why did she allow them to use it?
That's the way, of course.
I should have posed the question in that way.
But I'm curious as to why she would have allowed them to use that track in this advert, which is basically pretty dodge on a number of levels.
Basically telling people that they can lose weight with this insane, desperate cereal diet.
What you're asking is why do people you previously respected on television and the media make really awful adverts.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm genuinely curious.
Why do they do it?
Could it be a big shovel load of old cash?
Yeah, obviously, but... I don't know.
Well, the truth is probably that Annie Lennox isn't the big star that she used to be.
Well, maybe she doesn't have... It's shocking news, I know.
I can't believe that they didn't okay it with her, though.
That's what I mean.
I mean, maybe the publishers just said, yeah, you can use the track, but it's all just a bit dodgy.
And I think, Annie, if you're listening, you know, I think you should remove the track from the Crunchy Nut ad, because they're encouraging people to basically go on an insane Crunchy Nut-based diet.
Can you imagine your stools?
They would smell... great.
They'd be like... Weetabix.
Well then you could just... They'd be like... no, they'd be like picnic bars.
Put them back in the bowl.
You know, I love it on the radio when people, they're talking about a star and they go, Annie, if you're listening... people on the radio do that.
So Robbie Williams, if you're listening... As if they're listening.
No one with a life listens to this.
Come on, you never know.
I think I do.
Susie, Susie Aplin does.
There you go, that's true.
Lots of very famous people, isn't it?
Hi, famous people!
She was there last night looking very saucy.
Oh, okay then.
What's the problem with you, Brian?
He's always cringing.
All he does is stand in the corner, the producer of this, and he cringes.
He can't take the edge.
He hates us.
Outcast with Hey Ya.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM, London's 104.9.
Um, now listeners, if you're going into town this afternoon, or maybe on your way into town, or indeed, uh, if you're an Abbey National customer, um, I was just wondering what people think of Abbey National's rebranding.
Uh, because for years, Abbey National had the words Abbey National, and then didn't have a silhouette of a couple with an umbrella, and instead of an umbrella, it was the roof of a house.
That's right, yeah.
A good, traditional, striking image.
When did they stop using the jingle, Get the Abbey Habit with Abbey National?
Too recently, because that was a great jingle.
That was a smash!
They've paid, obviously paid millions of pounds to rebrand and reposition Abbey National.
So what they've gone for is they've dropped the word national.
They've now just gone for Abbey.
And if you're in the High Street, you'll see this in your local branch of Abbey National.
It's just called Abbey.
They've made the capital letter at the beginning of Abbey lowercase.
A-B-B-E-Y.
And they've made it look like a ghost.
It's out of focus, and it's faded at the corners as if it's an apparition.
What?
Well, it's the oddest rebranding I've ever seen.
I thought, you know, maybe they've got a focus group, uh, and tested it, but it's sort of like an out-of-focus group, and they've decided that an out-of-focus sign is the best way to go.
And maybe, you know, all these banks are outsourcing all their call centers to India and places like this.
Maybe Abbey National is manned by the undead.
They've actually linked their phones to the other side.
And when you call for information, you actually might be speaking to a long-lost dead relative.
Wow.
Why has Abbey National gone for this weird haunted house branding?
If you're in the High Street and see it this afternoon, or if you've got an opinion about it, drop us a line.
And Abbey National, if you're listening, give us a call.
As if they're listening.
Abby!
Call in!
Tell us what you're thinking about.
You probably don't even say it, Abby.
You probably say it, Abby.
Yeah, whispered.
Yeah, Abby.
because if you understand dropping the man and the woman in the umbrella because basically that sort of household doesn't exist anymore there's been a lot of men live together yeah cats live with chickens I know children live with old people and it's out of control the whole thing and definitely and they've got to reflect that Abby what the one thing Abby can bank on his ghosts yeah and the dead
We would all die and become ghosts.
And then we'll want to go to somewhere for financial... We want our money to be protected.
Yeah, exactly.
Just because we're dead, we want some financial security.
And Abby can provide it.
Wow, it's so nice to have a supernatural, uh, bank.
Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Abby salutely.
Nice.
I wish I hadn't said that.
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
That's the Vines with Winning Days.
It's got a very good video for that one.
What happens in the video?
Well, it's just sort of arty.
It's like stop motion, um, uh, sculpture pieces.
I'm not really selling it, am I?
Doesn't sound very good.
It is good, though.
And, um, it's all in a forest, and they're playing, and they're in a forest.
It's on MTV, too, the whole time.
Check it out.
Okay.
Okay.
What now?
Well, I thought you were going to say something.
OK, I'll say something.
Oh, this is a ramshackle show, isn't it?
It was good up until this point.
OK, sorry.
OK, I think it's a Green King IPA advert, a very peculiar advert I've seen this week.
I saw it in the cinema, I don't know whether it's on telly, but it's a beer advert in which a man... have you seen it?
He's repeatedly hit...
by things.
He's basically repeatedly killed.
So he's walking along a mountain road and he's hit by a huge boulder.
It crushes him.
Gets up.
He's fine.
He's struck by lightning.
Should kill him.
Gets up.
He's fine.
Run over by a big truck.
Gets up.
He's fine.
Why is this?
It's because the Grim Reaper is busy in the pub drinking the beer.
Now what sort of... how do they get to that?
Death drinks the product, therefore we should all buy it.
Is that an advert for beer?
The Grim Reaper loves it!
Is that an advert?
Well, people like the Grim Reaper these days.
You think?
Do you remember we were talking about the devil?
He's a role model for kids.
Yeah, we were talking about the devil the other day as well.
Yeah, the devil appears in lots of ads.
And people don't mind.
They don't mind being sold stuff by the devil.
In a way, it's just... Do you think evil is abroad in the advertising industry?
Well, obviously.
To such a degree that the Grim Reaper and Satan actually walk around in the corridors of advertising agencies?
Yeah, yeah.
And want to try and get themselves into adverts?
Definitely.
Definitely.
Yeah, Satan is the... he runs all the advertising.
Does he?
And he wants a slice of the pie.
Wow, well he loves Grinking IPA, or the Grim Reaper loves Grinking IPA.
What do you think the Grim... I mean, surely... What happens to the Grim Reaper when he gets drunk?
Takes the wrong lives.
Right, right, right.
Or just, yeah, he just stays there and gets steamed.
But you'd think, once you were dead, you wouldn't need to really get drunk and stuff like that.
Well, you probably need to, you know, create some variety in your eternal damnation.
Yeah, and alcohol, that's the best way to do it, after all.
The other worst advert on telly at the moment, I think, is the Airwick advert, where the woman in the modern art gallery smashes the piece of modern art, so she replaces it with an Airwick.
Have you seen any of these?
No, you're watching different stuff to me.
Surely you've seen that one.
And so she put, because the airwick is so beautifully designed, it could pass for a piece of modern art.
Right.
And then so she puts the airwick on the pedestal and then awful Euro people come in and go and are attracted by the pong and the design and they think it's wicked.
And it's one of those fantastic Euro adverts where people don't actually speak visibly.
Yeah.
They start opening their mouths but then it cuts away so that they can dub it in any country.
Like the Ferrero Rocher ads.
Yeah, possibly or there's one where the woman where every time they speak they lift coffee mugs up in front of their faces Okay, they're moving their mouths So they can say that but so they can speak German or Belgian or the airwick advert is a classic of that genre.
Yeah
Man, that's good.
I'll tell you, the only ad that I've been watching a lot and enjoying is the one for Bailey's, where there's young people in a kind of club or a bar, and they're all floating around.
There's no gravity.
And there's big blobs of Bailey's floating around in the vacuum.
And because there's no gravity, it's all formed into... And it's all CG blobs, obviously, but they've done it really well, so it looks like real Baileys floating in a bank of savanna.
That wouldn't work, though, would it?
Why not?
Well, you couldn't guarantee quite what the blob was.
I mean, the bar- I suppose you'd do it close to the bar.
You'd have to be floating near the bar.
And then, you'd have to- But it could be a blob of anything.
It could be, like, a moist burp.
Or a blob of wee from the toilets.
It could be a blob of wee from the toilets.
Could just be a little blob of puke.
You know, in an anti-gravity nightclub, where everyone's drinking floaty drinks, if someone spews a wheeze, it's gonna confuse the service.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, that looks nice!
Oh, it's puke!
And it would come out again and it would be second-hand puke.
You'd have balls of puke floating around that had been in several guts.
And all the Charlie would be floating around.
The Charlie.
Oh, the Charlie.
You wouldn't be able to control the Charlie.
Used condoms.
It would be diffused into the atmosphere.
You'd just be completely off your rocker the second you walked in.
Imbibing puke and drugs and... Oh, that sounds wicked.
And blobs of paint.
Let's open that club.
Hooray!
That's Travis with Driftwood.
You're listening to Adam and Jo on XFM.
Now, don't get confused, listener.
We're not coming to the end of the show.
We've just had to move Ditties in the Dock half an hour early because of our fantastic live link-up with Alex Zane at the Carling something-or-other later in the show.
So, Ditties in the Dock it is.
This is the segment where Adam and I battle it out for our one free play on the show.
We both want to very much play a song, uh, but only one of us can.
You, the listeners, get to vote.
087008001234.
We're gonna propose our songs to you.
Uh, you decide which one you'd rather hear and call 087008001234.
It's the best of... ugh.
Five calls.
Sorry, I had a chew and- and it's increased my saliva output in my mouth.
A tenfold.
And I'm dribbling like a madman.
There's saliva just pouring out of your mouth.
Um, okay, so I'll start this week.
Uh, now, I have brought in my Men at Work, um, best of CD.
Good move.
And, uh, it's packed with smashes.
Of course, their most famous number being Down Under.
I come from a land down under, etc, etc.
But, uh, who could forget other classics like Who Can It Be Now?
It's a mistake.
What?
How's that one go?
Who can it be now?
Oh, yeah.
It's a Mistake.
I won't sing that one, but that's good.
Dr. Heckle and Mr. Jive.
Who can forget that one?
That is a terrible title, isn't it?
But the best song on the CD for me is Overkill.
And... Day after day, it reappears.
And it starts... I can't get to sleep.
Ricky and Steve sing along.
Yeah.
No, it will.
It's an absolutely classic song.
It's a peach.
What have you got, Joe?
Well, this week I've got Queen with Flash.
The theme from the film Flash Gordon.
I've been re-watching it recently.
I think it's one of the great British movies.
Mike Hodges.
Mike Hodges.
Directed by Mike Hodges.
Filmed in Italy with all of the Cinecetta staff.
Amazing production design.
Camp.
uh, funny, uh, exciting.
Uh, when I was a kid, Flash Gordon, man, I loved that film so much.
Watched it again and again and I still watch it.
And I- what I'd like to play is Queen's, uh, Flash single with all the sound effects from the film in it, not the sound effects free version.
Gordon's alive!
I think you should execute that trainer.
Are your men on the right pills?
Strap yourselves down!
Etc.
Fantastic clips from the film Flash Gordon.
All wrapped up in a package of one of Queen's really good singles, Flash.
So that's it.
This is In The Dock this week.
It's men at work with what?
Overkill.
Overkill.
That wasn't deliberate.
I know I'm going to lose.
And Queen with Flash.
It's anybody's game, eh?
Yep.
Men at work, or Queen, get phoning 08-700-800-1234.
We'll take the first five calls and the best of those five will be played.
That is The Strokes with Reptilia.
This is Alan Joel on XFM.
London's 104.9.
It's time for Dizzies in the Dock.
The results.
Uh, it's like our results program, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to remind you, this is the part of the show where Joe and I battled out for our one free play of the week.
Uh, this week, we've got Flash by Queen up against Overkill by Men at Work.
Two classic singles, and uh... We've had a lot of response to this one.
We've taken the first five calls.
I genuinely don't know which way it's gonna go, but I've got a bad feeling.
Okay.
Caller one.
Daniel, are you there?
Yep.
Is it going to be men at work or queen?
Men at work out of pure curiosity.
Okay, nice logic.
That is one for men at work.
Fantastic.
Next one.
Richard, are you there?
Hello?
Hello, Richard.
Is it going to be a flash or an overkill?
Gordon's alive.
Gordon's alive.
Who wants to live forever?
One for queen, one for men at work.
Thank you very much, Richard.
Beautiful quote.
Daniel, are you there?
Hi Joe, hi Adam.
Hey Danielle, which are you voting for, Men at Work or Queen?
Well, Flash Gordon was my favourite film when I was little, so it's gonna have to be Queen.
God bless you.
Fantastic taste, impeccable.
Mark, are you there?
One more for Queen, and Queen takes it.
Mark, are you there?
Hello?
Hello, Mark?
Ming the Merciless, not Merciful.
That would have been a very different film.
Mark, thanks very much for your call, that's it.
Thank you.
Oh, I can't believe it.
Men at work trounced by Queen.
Deservedly so.
God alive.
Pass!
Ah!
Savior of the universe!
Pass!
Ah!
He's saved every one of us!
has provided any explanation.
He's a miracle.
This morning's unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm.
He's the only possible.
He's for every one of us, and for every one of us.
He's saved the world.
What do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching?
Open fire!
All the weapons!
Dispatch Warlock and Ajax to bring back his body!
Gordon's alive!
never fail.
What do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching?
Well, I just mean he's approaching.
What do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching?
Well, I just said, Flash Gordon approaching.
Why is that so hard?
Dispatch War Rocket Ajax to bring back his body.
Wow!
Oh, that's such a fantastic single, don't you think?
Yeah.
What an amazing single!
Do you think that's how Freddie Mercury would have reacted if Flash Gordon walked into a party?
FLASH!
Like that.
King of the impossible!
Yes, I think it is.
The man who played Flash Gordon, Sam Jones is the actor's name, is now a successful on-set photographer.
Gave up the acting.
Don't know why.
Funny that.
His voice was even dubbed, wasn't it?
I don't know whether that's true.
That's certainly a rumour.
Who knows?
Maybe Alex Zane knows the answer to that.
He's on the line now.
Alex, are you there?
Hello, Adam.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Alex.
You sound very odd.
Have you been subsumed into a computer like in the film Tron?
No, but I wish I had.
What a fantastic movie.
What a great movie.
Can we, before we chat to you about Carling's 24 hour music-thon, do you know the answer to that question?
Was Sam Jay Jones' voice dubbed in the movie Flash?
I don't, but the 40 hours line always used to bother me.
40 hours to save the Earth seems like an awfully long time.
I think if they'd said 60 minutes or, you know, 25 minutes.
Right, you reckon you can do it in less, do you, Alex?
Yeah, we'll see, because the world is in terrible jeopardy with global warming and the current political situation, so let's give you ten minutes to save the world, Alex Zane.
And see what you come up with.
Nothing, I would imagine.
Well, that would involve you causing destruction of the world in ten minutes, which I know you're incapable of doing.
Fair enough.
Sorry, I came down on you like a ton of bricks.
Yeah, you smacked him right down.
Alex, what are you up to?
You've been awake for hours and hours.
Why?
Because it's CarlingLive24, I'm over at Bush Hall in Shepherds Bush and I'm a star sailor.
Why do you laugh at that?
Nothing, I just like your manner.
You sound very excited, like a man who's been up a very long time.
It's a lot of coffee.
Yeah, no, Starsailor are about to take the stage.
It's very exciting.
I get to go on stage and introduce them.
I've just come from Carling Academy Islington, where Franz Ferdinand played.
That was fantastic.
That's not some sort of university or school, is it?
No, it's an academy of music, but not in the sort of teaching sense, but in the performance sense.
An academy of music and beer.
It's an academy of drunk and buffoonery.
And students.
So, Franz Ferdinand were playing this morning?
They were, they were playing at about one o'clock, so not this morning.
Oh, this afternoon, yeah.
Well, yes.
A matinee, and did they play matinee?
They probably did, I had to leave before the end to get over to Bush Hall.
Sorry, I bored myself.
I'm gonna put money on the fact they played matinee and put money on the fact it was probably very good, but I didn't get a chance to see it.
And when do you, when do you get to go home to bed after Star Sailor or have you got more musical duties?
Oh, no laughter, Starsailor.
Fida are playing at the Carling Hammersmith Apollo later, and then this evening the Scissor Sisters at Brixton Academy.
I'll be at both of those, so sleep is a long way off.
You can't stop saying the word Carling, can you?
Yeah, it's because I've got to say the word Carling.
It's like Tourette's.
Well, you can have a nap during some of the quiet Starsailor numbers, can't you, Alex?
I might have a nap while Star Citizen are playing The Carling Live 24.
I'm joking.
I'm sorry, I'm with Lisa and she's laughing at me.
We miss you, Alex.
We miss you being here when we come in to do the show.
We miss having your cuddly little face.
I expect three suites next week, so I'm gonna wait three weeks.
Am I?
Am I?
Am I?
Am I?
Am I?
Am I?
Oh, we've got Emma.
Bye.
Okay, listen, have a good time, Alex.
Enjoy Star Sailor.
Thank you very much.
And we look forward to seeing you back again all safe and sound very soon.
Right now, here are Star Sailor.
Pete Doherty.
And, uh, four lovers.
Now, are you convinced you're pronouncing that correctly, Adam?
Doherty.
Because it says here on our notes, with our playlist, pronounced Dock-erty.
Oh, are we supposed to do a hard C?
Are they right or wrong, pronounced Doherty?
I used to say Doherty.
Like Jack Doherty.
Well, the other week we had a text message in, I think, praising you for correctly pronouncing the name when other XFM DJs mispronounced it.
Well then last week, you see, I changed my policy because I'd seen Cat Deeley calling him doherty.
Doherty.
Doherty.
Filthy doherty.
And so I thought I should take a leaf out of Dealey's book.
Well, we're reaching the end of the show.
Thanks very much for listening.
It's been a random and sort of abstract show this week.
We're in a transition phase.
We're killing off Scallywag and the rapping.
We haven't thought of any new features yet.
We haven't, well we have, but we haven't unveiled them.
This is not the week to unveil them.
And we don't even have time to play Scallywag Song, so maybe we'll play Scallywag Song next week.
Watch out for that, it's gonna be incredible.
You know, it's generally, it's what I call a bunker weekend this weekend.
The weather's obviously gonna be miserable.
It's a weekend to just stay at home for three whole days, solidly.
And have what?
Maybe without even getting out of your pyjamas.
I might try and stay in my pyjamas for two and a half days.
Is that a good idea?
And I'm gonna go to Blockbusters, and I'm gonna rent about ten films that I won't watch.
And then they're gonna be overdue, and I'll have to pay about 50 quid for them later in the week.
What's top of your rental list?
Swat.
Swat?
What are you thinking of?
Well, it's a really slow... Pop-culturally, this is a rubbish week.
There's nothing.
There's nothing this week, is there?
No films at the cinema, nothing to rent...
It's a bunker weekend.
I'm just reeling from the fact that Brian has just told me I can't play my... What?
I was going to play another song and now he said he's tapping his watch and he's saying play the adverts.
It's just been one of those weeks, you know what I'm saying?
Well, we've just been doing it for the man this week and not for ourselves.
Well, listeners, thank you for listening.
Have a great bank holiday weekend.
We'll be back the same time next week for a show that's just gonna kick this one out of the... I don't know what phrase I've launched into.
The dirty box.
The dirty box.
It's gonna kick this one into the dirty box.
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
Yeah, have a good week.
Enjoy your bank holiday.
Let's hope the sun comes out.
And Annie Lennox, if you're listening, I hope you have a good one as well.